(Stereo)Typical

I had a great weekend off, courtesy of my oncology consult rotation. I cooked, worked out, played with my doggies, and best of all shopped! I was having a very productive trip at one of my favorite stores (which shall remain nameless so no one hunts me down with a subpoena for posting the following story), when my shopping bliss came to a discrete halt. It started like this. I had found a gorgeous pair of pewter heels that are way too strappy and way too tall to be practical, but since I was spending my birthday money, this was of little consequence to me. They were perfect in their tall shininess! But I digress. So I was prancing around, clutching my fabulous metallic find close to my heart. I didn't dare put them down for fear another woman would not want one of the 3 pairs remaining in my size but would rather tackle me for the ones in my hand. So I was going to look at dresses to wear with my gloriously impractical shoes when a salesperson informed me I cannot take my item into that area of the store. Pardon? Corporate policy, she informed me. Of course. It makes perfect sense now. We're dealing your average corporate no-nonsense (or is it no sense?) policy.
Now let's not talk about how my item is much too bulky to hide in my purse or in my pants. Or the fact that it is clearly marked with one of those plastic security tag thingies. (Side note - Do those even work? I think they are just there to scare would-be thieves. I have walked out of a store more than once with the darn thing still on my clothes and then had to come back and convince them my receipt is real so they'll remove it! But again, I digress.) Let's talk about the fact that I was wearing a sweater vest. Yes, a sweater vest. A pink one at that. And who has ever heard of anyone in a sweater vest breaking the law? Especially a pink one. It just doesn't happen. Sweater vests and petty theft are mutually exclusive.
So in response to this awesome corporate policy I offer an equally sensible solution. I propose a Constitutional amendment exempting sweater-vest wearers from stupid rules. Now you may say that any old thief could then put on a sweater vest and get away with whatever. I'm already there, totally ahead of you. My proposal includes a clause that negates this exemption for anyone sporting his/her pants below the butt-cheeks, regardless of whether or not said individual is wearing a sweater vest. Brilliant, no? And even if aforementioned person thought to hold up his/her pants in the store while wearing a sweater vest with criminal intent, it would do him/her no good, as it is just not possible to pick up and steal something if one's hands are preoccupied holding up one's pants. Brilliant yet again, if I do say so myself.
So there you go, America. Let's put it up for a vote.
And by the way, I did in the end successfully purchase both the shoes and a pretty spring dress. It took some finagling (yes, that is a real word), but I pulled it off.