Tick, tock

No one has ever accused me of being too calm. If you're tactful, I'm "high energy." If you're blunt, I'm strung out. Deadlines and milestones are particularly bad. Monumental life-changing events get me worked up in a royal sort of way. Like every test in high school. Or college graduation. My wedding day. First day of med school. Last day of med school. First day of intern year. Get the drift? Each event carries me a little closer to the "real life" I picture in my head and spirals me into another cascade of general agitation.
This time it's Match Day, which incidentally occurs in 4d, 13h, and 11min from right now. Not that I'm counting.
Fellowship interviews led me through all the usual phases. Starting off being so sure of what I want. Monumental panic after each interview that oh my gosh is THIS what I really want instead?! Heated tears because even if I know what I want, there is no way I'll ever get it because I'm not smart enough. (Yes, even I'm starting to realize that one is just not true.) More recently I've had to factor in anxiety over what my husband wants and that if I pick the wrong thing not only will I be miserable, but I'll make him my misery-loving company. Then of course there's the obligatory melt-down right before a decision due-date from redundant self-doubt. Sprinkle in lots of prayer with a few moments of clarity rapidly superceded by aforementioned anxiety, and you have the basic ebb and flow of my neurotic mind. It's like Dawson's Creek in here!
Rank lists went in June 2, and I'd been pretty much right on my obsessive, angst-addicted internal schedule. But then the funniest thing happened. June 3 comes, and I'm not worried. I'm just not. This in and of itself is almost worrisome because without this crucial ritual anxiety dance my upcoming big life transition just won't work out properly. But still, I have this quiet calm, this state of just plain being OK with whatever NRMP posts Wednesday morning. But no, it couldn't be. Could it?
The all-encompassing, knowledge-surpassing, panic-quelching peace of the Lord. Why yes, I think it is. Pleased to meet you.
So now I hold my breath and wait.