Battle of the sexes: He said, she said

You know how sometimes, when you know someone really well, you can tell what he/she is going to say before the words are even out of his/her mouth? Well, here's some common phrases uttered at the Scholz household, and we've been married for so long that I forget who said some of them first.

You're killin' me.
Mostly from me, to Nick, with nothing but love.

Are you broken?
Mostly from Nick, to me. Often followed by something like, "Can't get it yourself?" He usually says this as he's getting up to get whatever it is for me. Because I am a delicate flower who shouldn't strain herself with heavy lifting, such as getting a new roll of toilet paper.

And whose fault is that?
I blame... you.
These invariably go together, and this conversation regularly runs both directions. Why blame yourself for your own inadequacies when you can blame your spouse? After all, he is supposed to keep my schedule, grocery list, and to-do checklist memorized (and alphabetized) at all times.

Shut your traphole.
I know, you probably think I have to tell this to Nick all the time since he's constantly yapping his trapper. But, surprisingly, he has been known to say this to me. This often follows the "And whose fault is that?" scenario immediately above.

You know what they call that. The three P's, that's what.
Not funny, Nick. Not funny.

Look at me. I can [fill in the blank]. Who am I?
A really smart person, that's who.
I like to mock Nick every once in a rare, rare while. But somehow, he seems to think I'm paying him a compliment instead. A "shut your traphole" falls nicely at the end of this little exchange as well.

And there you have it. Scholz speak, 101.