Dear Dr. Bethie, resurrected

Egads, Murgatroy! I knew it had been a while, but I hadn't realized it's been over two weeks since I graced you with a post! But thanks to the beckoning of my adoring fans, I'm dedicated to getting back in the game this week. Read on, cyber-friends.And keep in mind that while the punchlines of my work stories are always real, the particulars have been altered to the point of unrecognizable, the particulars have been altered to the point of unrecognizable to satisfy the HIPAA police.

Dear Dr. Bethie,
I have a rare, painful condition known as Oogly-booglyism. The steroids help, but I don't like gaining weight while I'm on them. What can you do for me?
Sincerely,
Itchy-scratchy in Ithaca

Dear IS,
Crack is whack. Don't do drugs. Then your rare condition will go away, and you won't need steroids anymore.
Affectionately,
Dr. B

Dear Dr. Bethie,
I only do crack sometimes.
Sincerely,
Itchy-scratchy and offended in Ithaca

Dear ISO,
Oooook. So here's the deal. Crack causes your condition. If you don't do crack, it will go away. If you keep doing crack, it will persist. If it persists the only thing I have to ameliorate your symptoms is steroids.
All my tough love,
Dr. B
PS Any crack is too much crack.

Dear Dr. Bethie,
Also, the pain pills I'm getting aren't strong enough.
Sincerely,
ISO

Dear ISO,
gieos;ghjgsfejioawpfdjaiso;ernaio;
That was me banging my  head against my computer keyboard. No crack. No pain pills. End of story.
I mean it this time,
Dr. B