All in the family

I had started this one a long time ago but just never finished it. I don't really know why. So here it is now...

Now I'm a pretty straight-shooting, non-hand-holding type of doctor, and some people don't like that. But other people do. I have a patient who has another family member who apparently also wants to start seeing me instead of some other rheumatologist.

Great. Book 'em.

And oh, there's actually a third family member who wants to see me, too.

OK. Even better. I hope I live up to my reputation.

And oh, they all want appointments on the same day.

Gulp. Um, ok. That's a lot of the same last name in one day, but I've got it in me. Check the schedule.

And oh, they all want appointments today.

Ha, ha, ha. For a second I thought you were serious.

No, they really do. Like right now.
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Siiiiiggghhh. As glad as I am that they like me, the answer is no. There are no bulk discounts or "two-fer" deals when my clinic is already booked. No no no no no no no. Whew. High-pressure situation deferred for another day.

Test drive

Alright, guys. I know it's been a while. A long while. To be honest, life just didn't seem funny there for a while, and I didn't want my blog to turn into angry venting rant-land. So either I'm wrapping up that season of life or have just finally developed the maturity to deal with it, but I think stuff is funny again. Funny enough to tell you about. So no promises, but I think it might be time for (semi) regular programming again. Starting with this funny story about my kid from drop-off at daycare this morning.

Teacher: You know, Mom, that I usually have only good news for you.
Me: Oh no. What did she do?
Teacher: But today I have great news.
Me: [sigh of relief] Oh really?
Teacher: While I clean up from lunch, Ellison helps get out all the nap mats and tells everyone to lay down. She is my mat monitor. I tried letting a few other kids do it, but they couldn't handle it. But she's consistently been able to do handle the responsibility and get it right.
E: [blushing and leaning into me, smiling]
Me: That doesn't really surprise me. She loves rules. At home we call her The Enforcer.
Teacher: Well, she sure does a good job being my helper.

So I'm pretty sure what she's telling me is that my kid is the only one in the class both sufficiently compulsive and bossy to pull off that job. After some thought, I'm going to take it as a compliment. I've always said E is more than half Scholz, but maybe there's a little more Zarnow in her than I thought.

Cold call

I hate getting telemarketer calls on my cell phone. But this one actually made me laugh. Now if only I'd been quick enough to have this conversation, which came to me immediately upon hanging up.

Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hi, this is Susie Q from University of Pheonix.
Me: Uh, ok.
TM: I was just calling to see if you're interested in going to school.
Me: Well, I have already been to plenty of school. You do count college and medical school as "school", right?
Click.

In real life, I just said, "No." So she told me, "Thank you" and hung up. The end.

The dark side

Everybody knows one. That previously well-minded friend who suddenly went crazy loco and committed to some crazy work-out program like Insanity or P90X. I've been married to one of those fools for years now. Nick has an on-again, off-again relationship with Tony Horton (and more recently Shaun T), defined mostly by the state of his (bum) knee. So when P90X3 came out, it went straight on the Amazon wish list.

Where my mother saw it.

And bought it for him as a Christmas gift.

Sigh. Big, long sigh.

Why the sigh you ask? Because this time he wants to really do it. The whole 9 yards, P90X style. The rigid schedule. The crazy moves and millions of crunches. And, most importantly... the diet. Now he doesn't want to waste money on the supplements, thank goodness. But he does want to commit to 90 days of eating only healthy things. I asked him about cake for my birthday next month, and he said there could be a slice of cake but not a whole cake, which makes him an insane person.

The only one crazier than my darling husband is me because I've agreed to do this with him. It's a long story related to many things, including my post-Archer wrinkly belly skin and a small-group conversation about how Nick and I somewhere along the way stopped doing things for each other that we didn't really like but used to do anyway just to make the other person happy.

Kick-off is tomorrow, and can I just tell you the culinary horizon is bleak. Lots of kale, unbuttered sweet potatoes, and lean chicken breasts are in my future. Nick even bought me a Keurig for Christmas that I apparently won't get to use for 3 months. In fact, as I write this, I'm drinking my farewell cup of hot chocolate. So please don't offer me a Rice Krispy treat or sweet tea or heaven forbid a brownie because I have to say "no" for 90 days. Just stick it in the freezer and save it for me, will ya?

I wanna hold your haaaaaand, I wanna hold your hand

I was on call a few weekends ago. Digression: I am now on call only 1 of every 8 weekends or so. It's so amazing to have almost every single weekend off. Like life-changing awesome. Back on track: The fellow texted me about this incredible consult. I was so flattered that they would turn to me for help. (Since I know tone doesn't translate via the written word, I'll just go ahead and tell you... that last part should be read dripping with sarcasm.)

Fellow: So the ____ team called a consult. This lady came in with blah blah symptoms. Diagnosis 1 and diagnosis 2 were on the initial differential.
Me: OK, sounds reasonable.
Fellow: Then imaging suggested diagnosis 1 but not diagnosis 2.
Me: Ooookay.
Fellow: Then a biopsy confirmed diagnosis 1 with no findings of diagnosis 2.
Me: Um, ok.
Fellow: So they just want us to come and comment on whether we think it might be diagnosis 1 or diagnosis 2. Because they just want to be sure.
Me: I haven't even read the chart, and I'm already sure.
Fellow: I know.

Yes, for real. I had to get out of my pj's and drive up to the med center for that business. As we say in the consultant world... Thank you for this interesting consult. Rheumatology will sign off. Please call us back with any questions.

All the single ladies

Apologies to the friends who heard this one in person a few days ago. 

Through various circumstances, I went to my department's holiday dinner party alone this year. So I got gussied up with my hair curled, in my LBD with my blingy earrings and AWESOME fully-sequined, orchid, super tall Cole Haan pumps. Ellison and Nick approved, and off I went. 

I walked into the party room, and no joke, one of the waiters nearly tripped trying to get to me to offer me a drink. What follows is my stream of consciousness response.

Ha! I still got it. Guess I'm not as old and fat as I thought. 

Hmm, wait a minute. Isn't wondering and worrying about whether I still "got it" a sign of actually being old? When I was 21, my response would have been how that guy can go drool elsewhere. Now it occurs to me to be flattered. Yes, I think that is definitely the response of an old lady. A response at which I previously scoffed.

When did I get so old?!

At least I can still wear the heels without my bunions hindering me. 

Just another Monday

So my momma gave me a pink personalized pen for med school graduation. I have used it every day since then. It's been through a lot, including the washer and dryer. I lost it a few times, too. 

Me: Has anyone seen my pink Beth Scholz pen?

Other residents: Um, what does it look like?

Me: Well, it's pink. And it has my name on it.

Nobody ever tried stealing it. Would have been kinda obvious, I guess.

I couldn't think of a more faithful friend to get me through yet another Monday. Cheers.