Bonus points

Everyone's always asking for funny hospital stories, and I can never come up with anything good on the spot. So I've decided to tell you this one while it's fresh in a two-for-one posting special today.
I'm on ID (infectious disease) consults right now, and we were recently called to assist with the evaluation of a man with nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Yes, all of those things at the same time. He was understandably feeling poorly and a bit grumpy, and when I entered his room to see him, he asked me to go away and come back when he felt better. Well, isn't that the point of being here and me coming to see you? What good will it do if I wait until you're feeling well? And what makes you think you'll get well without us doing something about it? He was not entertained when I told him that (politely but firmly, of course). Even better, he asked me not to touch his belly because it hurts. Um, yes. But again, isn't that why you're here? How can I figure out why your belly hurts if I can't examine it? You wouldn't ask your accountant to do your taxes without letting him see your W-4, would ya?
One other little tidbit. I saw a personal record for UOP (urine output) today: 11 liters in 24 hours. Now that's a lot of pee!