Battle of the sexes: Subject to interpretation

Yesterday was kinda a rough day at the office. No one thing in particular was terrible, but there were lots of little things. And it was a long, long day. But then I came home, and Ellison ran up to me with a leg bear hug. And Archer went crazy in his littler exersaucer thingie, bouncing like a madman and baby-squealing at the top of his lungs. And I picked him up, and with a full-face baby grin, he started nuzzling into my neck like he was digging for gold. And my bad day wasn't quite so bad.

Me: I kinda wish that every once in a while you would get as excited about me coming home as Archer does.
N: You don't mean that.
Me: Oh yes, I surely do.

After all the kiddos were (finally) tucked in their beds, I stood in the kitchen prepping the next day's breakfast and lunch and on and on, oh my. And Nick walked up and stood creepily close on my right side.

And he started bouncing and full-face Joker smiling and making squealing noises that sounded how I imagine a dying hyena might sound. And then he started rubbing his face in my neck and pawing my shoulder and hair.

N: See, you don't want me to get excited like Archer.
Me: [no words. no breathing. just quiet, sustained, oxygen-depriving laughter]
N: See? I told you.
Me: Nooo! [more laughter, less breathing] I meant an adult version of what Archer does! Goober!
N: Nope, that is what you get.

At least it's cute when Archer does it.

Another one where my kid says something funny

Having been a single mom this weekend while Nick was away, nothing happened except keeping my kids alive. Therefore, all my funny (or not funny) stories relate to them.

1) My doubting Thomas
I accidentally washed a scrub top with a Hershey's miniature in the pocket. Oops. I then dried it. Double oops. I opened the drier this morning to find brown streaks and spots all over the clothes and the drier.

Me: Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!
E: Oh, someone poopee in dare?
Me: No, kid. It's chocolate. I put a piece of chocolate in the drier, and it got everywhere!
E: [looking skeptical] Dat poopee.

2) My little mommy
Ellison and I played with her toy picnic set this evening.

Me: Oh, Elle. That sure is a yummy pancake and cheese sandwich you made.
E: You want some, Mommy?
Me: Oh, yes.
E: [holds it up to my mouth] We no eat it, Mommy. Jus' petend.
Me: Oh, ok. Just pretend.
E: [jerks the plastic sandwich away from my mouth] Say peez [please], Mommy.
Me: Oh, right. Please.
E: OK, hee you go.

Board book Bible stories

I was reading to E last night from her little kiddie Bible. It's rather abridged; the New Testament includes Jesus' birth, healing the woman who touched his cape (no mention of bleeding of course), healing the blind guy with mud, and him taching the little children.

E: Jesus love you, Mommy. In your heart. [lifts her shirt to indicate her anatomical heart]
Me: So when we say that it just means He loves you deep inside. He isn't actually in there.
E: Yeah. And I talk to Jesus!
Me: Yes. You can talk to him whenever you want.
E: But I no want mud in my eyes.

True that, kid. Me neither.

Hump day update

I know you've missed the play by play of my life. So here's what's up today.

What's in my purse:
1) a Tide pen - always
2) Nars lip gloss in Priscilla
3) a 2T pull-up (Minnie Mouse!)
4) antibacterial hand gel
5) Jamberry catalog
6) Pepcid

What Amazon.com suggests for me today:
1) Back in the Day Bakery Cookbook*
2) ENJOY sulfate free shampoo**
3) Help, My Anger is Out of Control (book)
4) Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day***
5) Vizio Ultra-smart LED 70" TV (a cool $2498)

What's on my docket:
1) 1 patient - Nobody loves me, nobody cares. Nobody buys me peaches and pears. Nobody comes to my clinic either.
2) grocery store run - A tears through that formula. It's like he knows how much it costs.
3) getting my lift on (Mom, that means lifting weights)
4) making cinnamon rolls for Archer and Ellison's daycare teachers - because there's no such thing as too much flattery
5) shopping online - Check, already done. :)

*I saw Cheryl Day once on Paula Deen's show. How did Amazon know I'd like her? The internet is creepy sometimes. 
**I do admit I've been buying a lot of expensive hair products lately. But what's made the biggest difference? Training myself to only wash it every other day. Maybe I'll post about that someday.
***They really want me to buy that one. It's been on there for weeks now.

All good things

Since it's Archer's last week in daycare, I made cookies for his teachers after the kids went to bed last night.. Because that's the kind of gal I am. There were some leftovers, and we let Ellison have one before bed.

Me: Elle, did you finish your cookie?
E: Mm-hmm [mouth full of chocolately goodness]
Me: Was it a good cookie?
E: Yeah.
Me: Where do you think those cookies came from? Who made them?
E: [pauses thoughtfully] Gramzie?
Me: No, kiddo. Me! I made them.
E: [look of almost-disappointment] Ooooh.

Any why wouldn't she say that? That's where all the fun stuff in her life comes from.

An impartial judge

I ran today for the first time in a week or so, and it hurt. A lot. So I came home, huffing and puffing. Ellison was very excited for my return.

E: Mommy, you home!
Me: Yup. I went running.
E: Yeah.
Me: That was hard. Hey, sweet pea, did I do a good job running?\
E: silence
Me: Hey, Elle, tell Mommy I did a good job running today.
E: But I no see it.

I guess it's true that she couldn't really make an accurate assessment of my running as she was not a direct witness. I guess I'll just have to pat myself on the back.

Catching up

After a brief hiatus, I think I'm caught up enough on life in general (and have enough internet-appropriate stories) to come back to the blog-osphere. No excuses or explanations here. Just a story.

I had Ellison and Charlotte to myself the other day. I don't remember why, but I did. And being a good mommy/auntie, I decided to take them in the yard to splash around in the kiddie pool. Well, it needed to be cleaned, so I let them and the dogs run around a bit while I sprayed and scrubbed. Remember, we're all wearing our swimsuits for this.

E: [yelling from across the yard, pointing to the gate] Mommy, Sharla go oh dare. {Mommy, Charlotte's going over there!}
Me: Oh, thanks, sweet pea. [I pull Charlotte away from the gate and plop her back in the yard, where I can see her.] You are a runner, Charlotte. First you try to open the front door. Then you lock me out of the garage. And now the gate. Am I really that bad?
C: Yaa, daa. Oooh. {I remain uncertain what language this is}

I then dash inside to grab the bug spray from the play room since West Nile is real here in Houston. About 4 seconds later I return to the yard and put the girls in the now clean and full pool.

Wait a minute... Where are the dogs?!

Oh, right. They're gone. Through the gate that Charlotte apparently not only walked up to but actually opened.

I run inside to fling on tennis shoes and grab 3 leashes and a box of animal crackers. Any port in a storm, people. I know I can't leave the girls alone, but I figure I can run up and down 2 house lengths and probably still hear them scream if tragedy strikes. So I grab them, dripping wet, and plop them in the living room. I can only imagine the look on my face as I warn E to please stay in the living room and that I'll be right back.

I then run, open throttle, out the front door, yelling their names like a crazed maniac. No luck. I hit my 2 house length tether and turn around to tear in the other direction, down the side street.

Ha! I spy a flash of lolloping black and white fur a few houses down. I pretty much fling myself down the street, hoping the others are nearby.

And remember how I'm in my swimsuit? Screaming like an idiot?

And we wonder why all the neighbors are moving out.

And just so you know, all 3 dogs miraculously came when called, let me put the leashes on and went straight home. Where E  was standing in pretty much the exact same spot I'd left her. And when you visualize this story in your head, I'd appreciate it if you could substitute any of the Baywatch characters for me for the part where I'm running like a lunatic down the street in my bikini. Thank you for your consideration.