Fountain of youth

For hundreds of years, mankind has dedicated too much energy and brainpower toward discovering the secret of eternal youth. That's way too hard. Instead, let me give you a personal, hard-earned lesson on a quick and easy method to feel really, really old.
1) Start by sleeping in so that you have to rush through your morning routine. This will guarantee kinda smudgey eyeliner and not-quite-perfectly straightened hair, which will highlight the forming wrinkles over your forehead and by your eyes. Wow. You're old.
2) Wear fabulously cute but impractical shoes. This will ensure your tootsies feel each and every step of the 10,000 you'll walk up and down the halls at work, which will in turn remind you how your feet didn't hurt when you wore those shoes a gagillion years ago when you bought them. Wow. You're old.
3) Spend all day at work. Start yawning at 3pm. This will remind you how you used to stay up until 3am and still be ready for more. Wow. You're old.
4) This next step is key... Spend two hours doing college athlete physicals. Seeing spry young whipper-snappers who are physically capable of doing things you can't even dream (like run 30 miles just because) will bring to mind how thin and fit and tan you used to be. Emphasis on past tense. For good measure, inadvertently use slang that was cool when you were their age (a decade ago!!) but is now obsolete, like "clutch." Fight back the urge to tell them to enjoy it (meaning their youth) while they can. Wow, you're like ancient.
5) And the clutch move is going to bed before 10pm. I know this may sound difficult at first, but think about the trying day you just finished and the equally trying day ahead! You'll be yawning in no time, and off to dreamland you go at 9:43pm on the dot. This seals your entry into the class of the prematurely elderly.
Yeah, I'm old, and yeah, I know it. No shame. Well it's almost my bedtime. Good-night, all.