Hat trick

Today felt awfully long, considering I ended up only seeing two patients in clinic. Lots of no-shows. But it was still quite eventful. Here's my top three highlights. Every word is true. Every. Word.

1) The part where they trust Google more than me
Me: Would you like a flu shot today?
Patient: Hm, do you have FluZone?
Me: Huh?
Patient: FluZone.
Me: I haven't heard of that brand.
Patient: It's four times stronger than the regular flu vaccine.
Me: Um, I don't about that. We have the regular flu shot here.
Patient: Oh, well, maybe I'll try to find somewhere that has FluZone.

I even checked with the attendings; no one knows about this FluZone business. So you can either go with a clinic full of board eligible and/or certified internal medicine physicians, or you can go with the internet. I mean, I just completed a highly reputable medicine residency after graduating from a top 10 medical school. What do I know? Everything on the internet, however, is true.

2) The part when I get stranger danger
Patient: Oh, my! You're pregnant!
Me: Yes, yes I am.
Patient: Oh, your belly is just so cute! [reaching towards me]
Me: Thank you. [stepping away]
Patient: [reaches further, pats and rubs my belly]

I promptly ran away. Here's the baby belly rule; if we've hugged, you're probably good. As in, you can touch without me freaking out. But I have a rule with patients that touching is unidirectional. I touch you, not vice versa. And that's only on the exam table. With purpose. And I don't touch, I palpate. Mommy's sorry, Gizmo. She won't let it happen again.


3) The part where I almost leave early
Another doctor two floors up called our office because she really wanted her patient worked in this afternoon. She thinks he has gout. The secretary checks with me as I am literally signing off the computer and standing up to leave. I said he can come as long as he comes quickly. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200. Go directly to jail exam room 6. Thirty (!!) minutes later, he finally arrives from upstairs. He then tells my nurse he doesn't have time for this. His ride is waiting. She explains that new patient appointments take at least 30 minutes, sometimes up to 60. He says that's ridiculous and he just wants me to look at his finger. So many problems with this scenario, not the least of which is that he probably doesn't have gout if whatever's hurting him is in his finger and/or doesn't hurt bad enough that he's willing to stay to be seen. After she explains that as a new patient, he must undergo a full evaluation, he leaves. And so do I.

Happy weekend! I'm sleeping in!